User:Uploadvirus
Welcome to "The Beth Whittle Autism Page"
This page was created by me, Cliff Knickerbocker, for my youngest daughter, Miss Beth Ann Ward (now Beth Whittle, as of February 2020) in 2010-2011, when we had only known each other for a few years. She was FAR from thrilled about it then, but hopefully she will understand my motivations better now.
I created this page almost ten years ago, hoping that she would develop it into a marketing tool for her own photography business, Freeze Frame Photography! , which we were planning in 2010-2011. I also thought it would be a place where she could experiment with page development, and express herself as a person and as an artist.
"My Beffie" is now 29 years old, and is married with 2 beautiful girls - Rylee Jane (b. 2014) and Hadlee Quinn Whittle (b. 2015).
As little Hadlee was diagnosed early in her life with childhood autism (autism spectrum disorder, or ASD), Beth has found a new calling. Beginning in 2018, Beth has become a highly committed and very successful advocate for people with ASD.
She began her new career by first bootstrapping her previous education, experience, and specialized training in medicine (e.g. in nursing and phlebotomy) to apply them to autism, and spent countless hours training and studying medicine in general, focusing on general medicine and mental health. She further supplemented this with extensive study of the ASD's and the other neurodevelopmental disorders not otherwise specified (NOS). She has also undergone both broad and deep self-training in a range of mental health and wellness issues and disorders.
My Parenting Philosophy[edit]
In the 4 LONG years I've been in this "parenting gig", I've apparently failed MISERABLY in making Beth understand my VERY DEEP AND PROFOUND conviction that an AGGRESSIVE approach to parenting is best for all concerned, and generally includes:
- (a) DAILY interaction - so that I stay fully informed, in a timely fashion, about events both large and small, that help me to better guide her development, gives me the best chance to positively influence the paths she chooses to follow, and enables me to be PROACTIVE in interventions made on her behalf; AND
- (b) CONSISTENTLY "pushing her forward" - toward the good things in life that she needs to be investing a LOT more of her personal time, money, and effort into - such as education, work experience, developing skill sets, staying abreast of current events, engaging in cultural activities, practicing her hobbies (both profitable and fun), working out her body and mind, and engaging in healthy social networking (just to name a few); AND
- (c) CONSTANTLY "pulling her backward" from the bad things in life that can be so alluring for a young woman, since she as yet DOESN'T EVEN COME CLOSE to fully realizing just how DANGEROUS certain things, choices, and people are, a fact that is PROVEN by her always telling me "I need to make mistakes and fall on my face to learn". Well, that philosophy is just fine, EXCEPT for the fact that SOME mistakes just CANNOT BE FIXED once they happen, and that getting maimed, killed, or raped is may not be exactly the best way to learn certain lessons.
The "Big Three"[edit]
In my opinion, there are THREE CRITICALLY IMPORTANT FACTORS IN A PERSON'S LIFE ...
First, and probably foremost, is self-esteem - or more broadly, self-confidence. I've worked fairly hard helping Beth develop hers, with some (small) successes (I think). However, her behaviors and statements, on pretty much a daily basis, make it VERY clear (to me at least) that she is still having considerable trouble swallowing what I keep telling her over and over - that she is an extremely capable, quite talented, exceptionally beautiful young woman who is WAYYYY above the average 20-year old "overall", and who could easily - if she puts in the required blood, sweat, tears, and toil - do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING SHE WANTS! Just as a "for instance", after four years of doubting my word, she suddenly seems willing to accept the fact that she CAN be a self-employed professional photographer ... something I've been telling her, and trying to get her to do, ever since I saw her first pictures! Stay tuned on this one ...
The second critical factor in a person's life is the strength and reliability of the personal support structure that they both inherit AND build, combined with their own faith that the support structure they have is solid, and will remain fully supportive under (nearly all) conditions. God knows I've worked EXTREMELY HARD at providing this for Beth, to the utmost of my ability, using absolutely EVERY available resource I have at my disposal (and even some I DIDN'T have). However, and sadly for me, it seems like there is an ever-growing mountain of OVERWHELMING evidence that she feels I could BEST be supportive by dying as soon as possible - or at the very least, permanently lose my ability to speak, text, and type!
The third critical factor in someone's life is their education, whether formal or informal. Knowledge equals power and opportunity, and I've constantly emphasized to her that the greater the depth and breadth of knowledge she has, the easier and more comfortable and more satisfying and more rewarding her life is likely to be. The Good Lord knows very well thaT I've BUSTED MY HUMP to encourage her to pursue an education, both in and out of the traditional classroom setting, and SHE will tell you that I've nearly strained a vocal cord trying to teach her everything I can, as fast as I can. Well, she isn't really in any hurry, but I SURE AM - partly out of fear that I don't have much time left on Earth, and partly because I worry that, in a year or two, she will start making more money and/or fall for some half-intelligent schmoe who makes some money, and after becoming independent both financially and in terms of someone being there to help her with everything, she may make the mistake of blowing off school for a few hundred measly dollars a week, and/or some young fool with nice biceps who manages to convince her she should listen to him instead of me.
The Purpose of This Page[edit]
OK, lets try to get a little closer to the "bottom line" here. Why does this page exist?
Well, I just can't stop myself from doing stuff like this. I love "My Beffie" VERY MUCH, and I'm EXTREMELY PROUD of her talent. I'm also VERY PROUD of who she is as a person , because your overall worth as a human being is (arguably) the best measure of whether the oxygen you use is being wasted.
Whether she cares or not, whether she's mad at me or not, whether she hates my guts or not - I want the world to know just exactly who Beth Ward is, and how exceptional she is! I also want the world to see her art, because it is inspiring work! In addition, I want to use this page to tell her things she needs to hear ... assuming she ever actually GETS here and READS all this.
With all that said, I'm hoping she'll one day take over this page and post a lot more of her work here, and use it to "get it out there", to get some more experience in marketing, and to maybe make some connections in the photography field. I also wanted to start a webspace where, if she chooses to include me, she and I can have something that is OURS - a small little something we can do TOGETHER. We have NEVER done ANYTHING as friends, not to even MENTION ever done anything together as "(sorta-)Dad-and-Daughter". As much as it hurts me to admit it, "My Beffie" ain't "mine" by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, she's made it quite clear to just about anyone who knows the situation, and has told me both directly and indirectly many times, that she just DOES NOT want to be close to me, and that "she only has one Dad" (and I ain't it).
Now, like I said, just about EVERYONE in the world knows whats up here. And everyone who knows just keeps telling me HEY JUST GIVE UP, she just doesn't WANT to be involved with you in projects, activities, socializing, or any damn thing else, which is pretty much including living on the same planet." :-O
Well, as a scientist and researcher who has spent nearly fifty years logically analyzing great volumes of facts and data, and computing the probability that some hypothesis is true, I cannot HELP but be acutely aware that there is a TREMENDOUS amount of evidence ... truly a MOUNTAIN OF OBVIOUSNESS growing higher and deeper with each and every passing day ... that their hypothesis is indeed CORRECT, and that surrendering and accepting it as truth is the only reasonable, sane thing to do (p<0.00000000001). However, I was never much for surrendering - especially on something as important as "My Beffie", who I adopted in my heart as my own a long time ago. So I just try to keep trying, apparently making a complete FOOL of myself with others, month after month, year after year.
And every time I even THINK about just going ahead and giving up this almost certainly hopeless fight I'm waging, I'm reminded of Sir Winston Churchill's immortal speech, given in 1940, when England stood defiant against all odds, in the face of all the evidence, and with everyone in the whole world saying "YOU'RE BEATEN, SO JUST GIVE UP" - of course I have paraphrased it just a bit, but it does describe how I feel about surrendering, and just giving up on "Our Team":
"I have, myself, full confidence that - if I do my duty, if nothing is neglected, and if the best arrangements are made, as they are being made - I shall prove myself once again able to defend my convictions, to ride out the storm, and to outlive the nonbelievers, if necessary for years, if necessary alone.
At any rate, that is what I am going to try to do. That is my resolve - every single day. That is my will, and it always will be.
My strength and my convictions, linked together in their cause and in their need, will continue until my death, each aiding the other like good comrades, to the utmost of their strength.
And even though large portions of my life, And many old and dear friends, and even some of my own family Have fallen, or may fall, into the grip of doubt About my intentions and wisdom, I shall not flag or fail, I shall go on to the end.
I shall fight in my home. I shall fight on the seas and oceans. I shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength, And shall defend my honor and keep my promises, whatever the cost may be. I shall fight on the beaches, I shall fight on the landing grounds, I shall fight in the fields and in the streets, I shall fight in the hills, I SHALL NEVER SURRENDER.
And even if I do end up friendless and forgotten, and lose everything that I own, then my mind and heart - which are beyond this world, and are armed and guarded by the principles of duty and of love - will carry on this struggle until, in God's good time, He with all His power and might, will step forth to my rescue, and to my vindication."
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO QUESTION that loving someone very much who doesn't love me back - in fact, someone who doesn't even like me enough to go to a freakin' McDonalds and have a goddamn hamburger with me - is UNQUESTIONABLY THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE, BY FAR! Please note that this broad statement INCLUDES statistical thermodynamics ... which I used to think was a REAL BITCH before the little problem of "My Beffie" came into my life in May 2007! BTW, cheers to Dr. Lou Biolsi - you were a hard mother-fragger, my man!
What all the unbelievers don't understand is NOT JUST that I love "My Beffie" like she is my very own child, but that I SWORE A SOLEMN OATH to her three years ago, which I later put into writing on a little "certificate" that I framed and gave to her as one of her (least exciting) Christmas presents on December 25th, 2009. It reads as follows (next section):
My Promise To My Beffie[edit]
What is particularly interesting to me - perhaps its a sign??? - is that the original certificate and its frame somehow survived her house burning down in 2010, and I found it unharmed, and "rescued" it, when I went back in the house the next day to got her remaining property. After cleaning it up, I stashed it in her clothes basket (wrapped up in her favorite shirt) after I cleaned everything that was left up for her.
Now I don't believe she has ever hung it up on the wall at her new place, and I haven't seen it at all in quite some time, so I don't know if she still has it, or if it ever meant anything to her anyway. But that is not really whats important. What IS important is that she KNOWS that I WILL NEVER SURRENDER!
UPDATE: "Freeze Frame Photography" is Officially In Business!!![edit]
Its been one heck of a week! "My Beffie" has left her part-time job at Sears Photography Studio, and now appears to be SERIOUS about proceeding with her own photography business! This is EXTREMELY EXCITING, especially as its something I've been "pushing" for nearly four years!
Apparently, Beth has become quite aggressive in marketing in recent weeks, and has obtained five (5) client commitments for paid photography work! Great start, Beffie! She's also got one "job in progress", at least, namely producing photographic brochures for a law firm that is looking to rent out some available office space.
As for me, I'm once again HOPING she'll decide to let me train her in crime scene and accident scene photography, and help her get some more attorney-clients ... but as usual, she's not too inclined to work with me, nor to follow my leads.
In any case, I'm VERY PROUD OF HER, and wanted to update this page to say CONGRATULATIONS, BEFFIE (and "I told you so, a long time ago")!
I also wanted to give her an "award" for her achievement, which appears at the bottom of this page.
To Everything, There is A Season[edit]
... or so it says in the ancient book of Ecclesiastes. Well, I'm not so sure.
I tried for the last two days to get a "one-on-one" meeting with My Beffie so I could SURPRISE HER with a brief, tiny "CONGRATULATIONS" party, and was hoping I could brag on her, and we could go over a few things with regard to her business and her life. I'm sad to report, however, that ONCE AGAIN she just didn't have a will, or a way, to spend any time with me "just-me-and-her", as a team, as buddies, as "sorta-Dad-and-daughter".
To this day, just short of FOUR YEARS since we met, she and I have done ONLY ONE THING TOGETHER, entertainment- or recreation-wise, that didn't also involve some third party (or parties) ... and THAT was merely a three-minute long Harley ride in the Summer 2008, when she was 17. Even THAT would never have occurred in the first place had her mother not more-or-less held a loaded pistol, probably with poison-coated fragmenting bullets in it, directly to her temple!!!
Quite amazing;y, she SOMEHOW forced her fingers to type out something to the effect that "maybe we will go some other time".
I replied "just lemme know".
Leibnitz's Differential, Redux[edit]
Well, in thinking about this most recent disappointment, I am reminded of something I did several weeks ago, when she wasn't speaking to me AT ALL ... because I was silly enough to complain - backed by the usual overwhelming statistical evidence - that she ignores me all the time. :-O
Anyway, on a hunch - damned statistical thinking! - one night, with her Mom as an pseudo-interested observer, I did a BUNCH of binary Google Searches using every POSSIBLE combination of my name(s) and her(s), as well as "stepdad", "moms boyfriend", etc., in every cache and database known to mankind, AND ALSO examined pretty much EVERY MySpace message she'd ever posted going back to before we met. NOT FREAKING ONCE did I come up with a single "hit", wherein she had even MENTIONED me to someone. NOT ONE HIT ... out of literally BILLIONS (!) of pages of documents. Conclusion? - well, I told her Mom at the time that ZERO does seem to be a pretty decent unbiased estimator of JUST HOW IMPORTANT I AM TO BETH!
I remember thinking at that time, although I didn't say it out loud, that it will almost certainly be my OBITUARY that ends up providing "Hit Number One", and then immediately thinking that that probably wouldn't happen either, as she'll probably threaten, ante res, to sue the paper if they DARE include mention of her in there as "my daughter"!
Truth be told, at one time she DID have - for a very short while - the following quote on her MySpace page:
- "I will always vote Republican (thanks Cliff)"
... but then that just kinda disappeared, although her MySpace page remained otherwise unchanged - including the NUMEROUS references to the idiots, douche bags, and innumerable other miscellaneous sources of semi-human entropy, 99.999% of which had never done ONE DAMN THING for her. Although I spent some time searching the living heck out of the Google cache, and every other data cache I could find, that reference to yours truly has disappeared forever and, now, all I have is the image of it in my mind.
But it sure looks to me, more and more every day, that the "father-daughter image" - or for that matter the "best buddies" one, or even the "doesn't mind if I continue breathing" one - that I've clung to is ITSELF without any measurable substance, that its indeed nothing more than a fleeting, abstract concept in my mind.
Of course, I guess that IS infinitesimally better than absolutely nothing at all ... at least in the sense that it DOES (in the sense of a differential quantity) beat things like the "era" before the Big Bang. In closing this disappointed diatribe about "damn near nothingness", I am reminded of, and will quote, Genesis, Chapter 1 (KJV):
- "In the Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth, and the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was on the Face of The Deep." Without form, void, and covered by darkness.
That pretty much sums it up!
Leave My Beffie A Note[edit]
I've included herein a small self-portrait of "My Beffie". While she is obviously a very beautiful young woman, what you cannot see from the picture is that she's also gutsy, sharp, articulate, ethical, and fairly straight. She's also blessed with a large set of titanium testicles that she polishes regularly!
I suspect you will be seeing more of "My Beffie" in the future, as she develops a reputation for her photography that is reflective of her talent. No question you will see more of my little vignettes on here, at least until she reads them and kills BOTH ME AND THIS PAGE.
Whether or not you will see me there with Beth - protecting her back and kicking her in the butt as she walks down the road of life with camera in hand - remains to be seen, I guess, but IT SURE DON'T LOOK GOOD, for me at least. Hopefully, the future will look good for her!
If you stop by here, PLEASE leave her a note (HINT: use the Edit button, above). Maybe you want to leave your condolences for her having someone like me randomly (?) pop up out of nowhere into her life. Maybe you will let her know what you think about her work, good AND bad. Maybe you will be flattering, and tell her how pretty she is.
Hopefully, you will consider giving her some good advice - like "go to school", "don't do hard drugs", or "stay far away from worthless predator-men". If you truly can't think of ANYTHING to saY - after slogging your way through all this - then consider doing the honorable thing, and encourage her like you would your OWN child.
SHE IS WORTH IT!
Created by: Uploadvirus (talk) 06:11, 11 April 2010 (UTC)
Award for Your Work[edit]
|
The Photographer's Barnstar | |
| For your incredibly talented black-and-white photography work, which has deeply influenced my life, far more than any other art form that I have ever experienced. Love you always: Cliff Knickerbocker, M.S. |
Just For You[edit]
Hello Beffie, uploadvirus (talk) has smiled at you! Smiles promote WikiLove and hopefully this one has made your day better. Spread the WikiLove by smiling at someone else, whether it be someone you have had disagreements with in the past or a good friend. Go on, smile! Love you, and proud of you!
Smile at others by adding {{subst:Smile}} to their talk page with a friendly message.
Uploadvirus (talk) 06:07, 15 April 2010 (UTC)