User:55378008a/sandbox/test3
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drdfkneiuftbtrTemplate:Dubious
Template:Funny
Template:Humorantipolicy
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prelude[edit]
Q: Why are ravens eaters of carrion?
A: Because their wings make too much noise
intermezzo[edit]
priest, minister and a rabbi are standing in line at the bank. ministers trying to borrow a buck from the priest for a slice of pizza, and the rabbis trying to help the priest explain to the minister why he doesnt want to do that. Whos right?
Theyre all a bunch of assholes, and none of them are going to give you any money.
prologue[edit]
jeb bush is sitting in his elliptical office in an overstuffed leather chair going through his cigar collection to see if it needs organizing. His secretary calls on his intercom and tells him the campaign manager, Marathoni, is in her office in a wild state. He has her buzz him through and he comes running in all flustered and breathless.
[Ed- no farmers daughter jokes]
"mr bush! mr bush!"
- "what. what is it, man? get a grip on yourself. catch your breath." he decants some brandy from the crystal jar into the snifter
I have good news and bad news.
- uh, give me the bad news first.
aliens have landed at the alamo.
- well thats, uh, well... whats the good news
they hate democrats and shit halcyon
Halcion it was called it turns out
Im not sure you drink brandy from a snifter
- who cares
right. how would you know
last one for today, I promise[edit]
banker dies, sees a light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. He follows it and after a while he comes to two doors. One says 'heaven' and one says 'hell.' So what the hell, he figures, Im a banker, and whatnot so he chooses the door to hell. He gets down to the bottom of the shopping escalator and the fire and brimstone is burning his nose and the plastic fibers in his three piece suit are melting and forming virulent chemical reactions with the yak hair in the tweed its so bad he can hardly breathe or stand up. Along comes a minor demon about 3-4 feet tall dressed like a doctor who was watching television carrying a clipboard and says 'name?'
The banker tells him his name and the demon puts on his reading glasses and thumbs through the thick sheaf of paper on his clipboard. After looking for a while he looks up and says 'youre not on the list. happens sometimes. Ill tell peter youre on your way up to straighten this out. use the elevator over there'
So the guy goes over to the elevator and after a while gets off at the top and theres the gates, peter the clouds and so on. Hes just getting off the phone. 'Azarus told me what happened. Ill call records and see whats going on.'
So he gets back on the phone for a while and pretty soon a door opens and out comes a mid-level management angel from the marketing department.
'Well?' Peter asks the newcomer.
'I looked him up in the system' says the angel. The banker waits expectantly, wishing he had a highball or a martini or three.
'And?' elicits peter.
'I just cant understand it," the angel muses. "He borrows at 3, he lends at 6. hes on the golf course at 3'
- 'whats the catch'
'theres a penalty for early withdrawal'
temp[edit]
hershel is taking the subway home from mikveh in brooklyn when he overhears his good friend shlomo lecturing his grandaughter in the next cubicle. "Avi, you need to listen to me very carefully," overhears hershel. "These people, they are no good. They say the nicest things, tell you the sweetest stuff to make you think theyre your friend. Then, next thing you know youre fucked. Not only that, afterwards they stubbornly persist in refusing to be of any further assistance, instead leaving you to face your troubles they caused all on your own and even begin sabotaging you at every turn in every imagineable way and then some unimagineable ones too."
"Ay, shlomo" interjects hershel from behind the partition. It is good you are telling Avi of the dangers of teenage dating"
"What dating?" returns shlomo. "I am talking about the democrats"
[ed: again, in the most unifying and healing way possible]
interlude 1[edit]
wildschwein sitzt am kufuerstendamm in der kneipe
hochhaus spaziert vorbei, dabei bekommt das wildschwein einen keuchhusten. das hochhaus allerdings misversteht dies als ein pfeifen
was soll das, labert das hochhaus das wildschwein an. das waldschwein andererseits fuellt sich beleidigt, und fragt sich selber, wat is'n dit jetzt fuer shnulli.
das hochhaus allerdings mus das jetzt im gesicht des wildschweins ansehen, und fuert halbstark vort: du hast gerade mein weib bepfiffen
ihre frau? respondiert das wildschwein. meinen sie, dieses flugzeug?
interlude 2[edit]
wildschwein sitzt im Wald-Cafe. Hochhaus spatziert vorbei. Wildschwein nimmt n schluck von seiner berliner brause und quietscht vor freude vor sich hin. Hochhaus laberts an. was soll das
wat meint det wildschwein
sie haben soeben meine frau bepfiffen, shimpft das hochhaus
wat issn dit jetzt fuer schnulli, meint das wildschwein. so ein bloedsinn. hab Ich doch gar nicht. Uebrigens, was fuer frau
das hochhaus schaut sich bezweifelt um. verdammt! habe Ich woll zuhause vergessen
test[edit]
Rabbit gets asked to speak at the bear convention on the topic of 'does shit stick to yore butt.' As the day finally arrives, rabbits flown in on a corporate jet and whisked to the bear convention in a private limousine. After a meal and some soft music to set the mood, the lights dim and rabbit takes the stage. Squinting into the glare of the spotlight and casting a shadow against the soft velvety plush curtain backdrop at the podium, rabbit clears his throat rather harshly and begins to speak.
"Is this thing on?" he queries, as the sound system howls and squeals in a tortured manner with feedback. "Thank you for allowing me to speak at your convention" he continues, after the ursine technicians get everything squared away. "On the topic of 'does shit stick to my butt,' I would just like to say, you _would_ _not_ _believe_ how aften I am axed this question.' Loosening his tie and kravatte, so that he may speak a little more comfortably, he continues. "In response to your concerns, I would just like to say... POOP!"
oh dear[edit]
Radio Yerevan is asked: this one was sent in from a listener of our popular 'Cultural Interchanges With the West' programme. Our listener asks, is it true East Germans prefer intellectual, sociopolitical humor about current affairs and the issues, while West Germans prefer scatological bathroom jokes?
Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes. But ever hear the one about the time Honeker shit his pants
unoriginal[edit]
4 russians are sitting in a car at the airport waiting for someone. One of them married an american; hes sitting in the front passenger seat. He asks, "what if the guy has a gun?" The guy sitting behind him says, "we have a gun too," pulls one out and shoots him in the back of the head.
- this was notable because it was related as a true story and i get the feeling it was fed to back to be from something I said on the phone. I seem to get that a lot
next[edit]
Q: Im walking funny, I feel like I had something shoved up my ass
A: Want some more cheese
this just in[edit]
Q: why did whoever keeps running the 'russia hacked' -type articles at bbc cross the road
A: it didnt. its still standing on the side of the road scratching itself wondering loss 'why am I here?'
forgot this turns out I didnt make any backups[edit]
oh that was a close save
Achim a belle and a dammit forgot walk into a bar[edit]
All right heres another went missing now appears to be out of order
Guy in new york snatches a kid. Kid starts to come too early, maybe chloroform was too weak they been stealing it watering it down kids dad was smoking crack kid just resistant who knows kid starts coming too right when snatcher notices the parents looking for em, quickly dips in the nearest convenient doorway - turns out to be shneersons tomb. Guy knows its only a matter of time when suddenly guys sees couple frum haredi visitors on their way in. thinking quickly, he takes the kid and puts em up on the rabbis grave and dips out. Guys come in dont even really notice the guy leaving
maybe he stuck em with the snatchkid jab needle the fake dea/moonies those types use to ease their little business typical fake raj bioterrorists - and they see newly enraged from the fake naak they see this kid on the grave right so they jump up there to rememdy this grevious insult to their culture and right then the parents show up and try to get their kid from these guys you know. Right at this moment Hershel shows up hes making his weekly visit losing faith in humanity trying to cheer himself up you know sees this and flees back to boro park
ay hershel youre already back from your visit to the rabbis tomb already ? you look like youve seen a ghost! didnt it go well
ay shlomo yeah weve always agreed how bad things are getting - but I regret to have to tell you things are even worse. At this moment it greatly saddens and pains me to be forced to inform you - yes Ive just been to the rabbis tomb - and they are dancing on his grave !
not that funny really
same thing i guess not that funny[edit]
guys hear this guys trying to get out of paying child support by relying on the new precedent set in the Jahna Lindemuth#Controversy case ? hes arguing before the Court that its immaterial whether he left his semen on her or in her
too bad this one was next
speaking with a forked tongue here[edit]
greasabelle i comes home hard day rigging sats blackmailing people foursquare six sigma managing administering and logisticking the murder of generals for the fake moonie base cafeteria and hospital human and heroin trafficking contractors or whoever having kids snatched got her ecosacs of sustainables grobean drove her home on his kidnap gas chain murder city bus weinstein sprayed her on the side of the road with his black truck sick and miserable and she notices the cover to the bobbit worm is open so she bends over to look and- her glasses fall in the tank! - and so she goes for her emergency backup pair on the table and - like fake diana vibrating the marbles from across the room - the worm kinda ngngng and they- slide off the table! - and- theyre gone! - and right then she notices - the worms sticking its radula out at her! so she- sticks her tongue out at the worm- and it goes - pthbbbbb! so she- closes her eyes so she doesnt get spit in em and also goes pth- and the worm bites her tongue in half
oldy but goody[edit]
schneersons kickin back in heaven. hears this dreadful racket rips him from his slumber throws on his silk bathrobe runs outside his bungalow at the cul de sac of the quiet leafy avenue in his suburb and heres henry ford ok blowing a shofar. rabbis like what the fuck henry what the fuck are you doing man its 3 in the morning what the hells wrong with you. henrys like oh hey rabbi. i was looking on the bosses calendar, and- chevy starts at sunset
there was a these are all hand crafted, by the way that obviously the censor/oversighter/moser whatever you want to call em got apparently
not safe for garden party[edit]
paddington, octavia veracruz and jeb bushs valet are sitting playing high stakes poker at the taj memphis. invariably the conversation - not being a garden party - turns to the inevitable topic you know, uh- politics.
since the air conditioning fan hasnt been oiled in a while the bartender next room spit polishing the glasses can only make out fragments of the conversation. this is what he overhears:
good satanic lackey, danak trumbama. still no real coffee just roofies and dogshit
thats a river in volga, dude. fuck yoreself
is there any money in asking stupid questions like 'what drives him'
I know that one vienna fingers and diet coke
hes got 3 things going for him in that regard - late birth, location location location and hes got mom. hes waayyyyy ahead of me on that one
his good looks, charm, charisma and intellect I envy. the location- not so much
forgot about wisdom
yeah that too
heres another one went missing shit has to stop[edit]
so howd the hot date go
- well not so good actually - she asked if I wanted to go back to her place and get nasty
and ? did you get some
- well you might say - but no when we arrived there she injected me with her menstrual blood and nail polish remover
I know yore like omg what cellularoutfitter[edit]
vip ? what
uh omg you are snatching pets and kids and choking women to death with plastic bags and then shocking em while raping em - not too many other countries they can do that huh at least not get ratepayer handouts and police protection to do it huh epstein
anyway thanks a lot
what else can we piss up against the wall with the moral high ground
its like the elephant painting the hearts and minds are already on there
11 minutes
]but refuse obstinately if not obtusely to do anything just make accusations instead. cute
cutern a lil red hentai going up a yellow barn how true that is